Mindless Rambling
I don't know why I am blogging right now...there is no news to report here. I was kind of hoping that baby C would have made her entrance by now, but I guess she isn't ready yet. I think I convinced myself that I would be able to hold my baby on Mother's Day and it's disappointing that I didn't have that chance. I have been "with child" for the past 3 Mother's Days and have yet to hold a baby in my arms. Yup, I am definitely throwing a pity party for myself.
Eight days until my due date. Wow. As much as I am excited to meet this little peanut, it's strange to picture my life with a different baby here. I'm not sure I would feel the same way if Evan were alive. It really is a simultaneous feeling of pure joy and sadness at the same time. I just keep reminding myself that Evan is always here in our hearts, and he is looking after us through our good and bad days. It sure would be nice to be able to hold him one more time though.
I think each time I watch his videos I come away with a different perspective. Sometimes I smile since he look so happy, and I remember how well he was doing at home. I remember all of the good times and how it felt to play and interact with him. And then there are times where I watch and I see the gradual changes in his appearance...the bluish coloring in his face, the wheezing, his tired eyes. And I cry because I couldn't help him feel better. I am his mommy, and that is my job. And I couldn't do it.
I wish that I was preparing Evan for his little sister. I wish I was teaching him to say her name, and explaining to him what a big brother is. I know I can teach her all about him, but it would be nice to see his reaction to our growing family.
I hope this doesn't come across as me not being excited about baby C's arrival. I am SO EXCITED and am ready whenever she is! I already love her more than I could explain, and I know that she will be a huge joy in our lives. I think she has a fiesty personality already based on how she kicks me. I guess the days leading up to her birth are getting more and more emotional for me. I hurt because I miss Evan, and I rejoice because his sister is almost here. It's a complicated process, this whole grief thing!!! I guess I'll never stop learning...
