Healing
I have thought about writing about healing for a long time. I guess now is a good time since it has been a little over a year since Evan passed away. Healing is one of those words that seems like a "good word" on the surface, but to a grieving parent it can be a very hard word to handle. Healing implies that we get better, and who wouldn't want to get better after being hurt? To have the pain disappear or to mend a broken heart? A grieving parent, that's who.
As time moves forward and life goes on for those who haven't experienced an enormous loss, we who are suffering are stuck in this paradox of wanting time to move forward yet not wanting life to go on without our children. It has been a year since we had to say goodbye to Evan. Do I feel healed? No. Do I even want to feel healed? No. Do I feel like I can function and feel joy? Yes. Do I dwell on my grief? Sometimes, but not as much as I used to.
A very close friend of mine recently told me that the world will eventually forget about Evan. Well, he said all people will forget except those who are closest to us. Did this person think that comment would help me? I am not stupid or naive. I know that once this baby girl is born, most people on the "outside" will look at her as my oldest child. I know that many people will forget his special life and his existence. But hearing those words hurt. And the only point to saying them to me was to try to get me to "move on" faster. As if the sooner I realize this, the sooner I too will "forget" Evan and begin to live my life as if he never existed. I will tell you, as a grieving parent, that will NEVER happen. Yes, we will love this child and our future children. We will not impose our grief onto them. We will live life until God takes us home, and we will live it as fully as possible. We will smile, laugh, enjoy our children's milestones and participate in everyday life. But will we feel healed? No. We will never feel healed. Every moment we live, every experience we encounter, and every milestone our future children reach, we will think of our son. Will that take away from our enjoyment of the moment? No. We will just be enjoying these moments differently than someone else might.
I guess I hate that the word healing is so absolute. You scrape your knee, and it heals. No evidence of it will ever be seen. You break your arm and it takes a little longer to heal. But again, it does heal and it really isn't thought about again. Some injuries leave scars, but are they the worst ones because they left a visible mark? Losing our baby boy is the most painful thing we will ever go through, yet we have no mark or scar to show for it. No one, except those who know us well, will remember that we have a beautiful son in heaven. So when does a grieving parent heal? Only when they are united with their child in heaven. Is it "easier" to recover from the loss of a baby as opposed to the loss of your grown child? I don't think so. Where the mother who lost her 40 year old has seen her child grow up and learned his/her likes and dislikes and seen him/her through successes and failures...the mother who lost her baby never got to experience those things. And anyone who is a parent can tell you the level of love you feel for your child the moment he is born is unmeasurable. So to lose your child even hours after birth would cause a lifetime of "what ifs" and "I wonders." I guess the person who said that the world will forget Evan just wanted me to be "back to my old self" again. Unfortunately for him, that will not ever completely happen.
I have changed, and I don't think I have changed for the worse. I have always been a pretty compassionate person, but now I feel like I can connect better with those who are suffering. I know that parents who have lost their child desperately need to talk about their experience and about the life that their child had. I still need to do that with Evan, and he was only 7 months old when he died. I may say the same things over and over again...how much he loved his binky and his Duckie...but that is the part of his life I know. Death is such a difficult subject in our society today, and I wish it weren't. Those who lived before us didn't cease to exist just because we don't see them anymore. And the impact that their lives made on even one person is important. Whenever you come across a grieving friend, the best thing to do is to hear them and listen to them if they need to talk. Even if they say the same thing over and over. This will help them in their journey of grief. This will help them smile again. It may not "heal" them, but it will sure make life that much more bearable.
