February 10, 2008
Dearest Evan,
As you celebrate your entrance into heaven today, we are trying to get through a very difficult day filled with some painful memories. Nothing makes us happier than knowing you are safe and sound in God's arms. To no longer have to feel pain or suffering. But that doesn't take away our own pain of missing you. And wishing that just once a year on this day we could say goodbye again. To be able to see you once, to hold you and know you are well.
We made it to Trinity today, and (to our surprise) Bishop Henry and his wife Catherine were there, just to be with us. They were not scheduled to be there, but once they learned of our plans, they fit it into their busy schedules to come give us a hug on a very hard day. We were so happy to see them. It has been since your committal service in March 2007 that we have seen them. We are so blessed to have gotten to know them, and it's all because of you Bub. Thank you for that.
When I woke up this morning, it felt as though it was Feb. 12, 2007. That would be the first morning that I woke up in my own bed without you there. The air smelled like it did last year, and I half expected to walk downstairs to see a house full of people...all those who stayed with us the week you died. It was a smack in the face. I didn't expect to feel like that today. It just made me realize that although we made it through a year without you being here, we have to do it all over again for another year. And then another year. And then another year. It seems like an impossible task. But we made it through one, and we will make it through the rest.
I wish that I could feel happiness today. I wish it could be like your birthday...I missed you, but it was such a beautiful day filled with wonderful memories of your birth and life. Today I couldn't help but think of the details of one year ago. From the chair being pulled over to the side of your bed, to the nurse putting you in my arms for the last time. From peeling off all of the monitor wires from your body, to Daddy making the worst phone calls he ever had to make. I want to remember the good...I want to remember playing with Duckie and how it felt to have you fall asleep in my arms. To remember your smile and your laugh. But it just isn't working for me today.
I miss you so much Evan. I can't even put it into words. And even when I think I can't possibly love you anymore, another day goes by and I do. On the nights that I dream of you, I never want to wake up. It is the only time I can hold you and kiss your little head. It's a long life without you Bubba.
I hope so much that you know that your Daddy and I tried our best to be good parents. We tried to make our decisions based on what we thought was good for you. We love you more than anything and never wanted you to feel any pain or suffer at all. And to know how much you did suffer is hard for us to think about. Which is why I know you are celebrating today with Jesus and your heavenly friends...today, one year ago, you began your eternal life, free of pain and suffering. And although it can be difficult for me down here on earth, I rejoice in the fact that you are happy, smiling, loved and free of pain. And I will wait as long as it takes to be with you again.
Sending you all of the hugs and kisses you can handle....
Love,
Mommy
