A Brand New Year
Well, it's here. A brand new year. Time just goes by so fast, doesn't it? Greg and I have had a lot of time to reflect on the last year, and so much has happened that had molded us into the people we are today.
I begin by saying that our "last year" really began Dec. 20 of 2006. At this point, you all know what that day was...Evan's last admittance to the hospital. Just a few days prior to going back to the hospital, I had joined/started a Heart Parents of Pittsburgh group with a few other wonderful parents. You were all there during Evan's journey, and we are so thankful for the support. But the parents in this group understood everything we were going through, for they too had been through open-heart surgeries and long hospital stays with their kids. It's just amazing the bonds and friendships you can form through your kids, even on the internet! Without ever officially meeting any member of the group, one member had meals sent to us almost weekly at the hospital so we could have a break from the cafeteria. Another member came all the way from the Grove City area to visit us a few times, just for support. And finally, a third member also had her son in the hospital for a heart catheterization while we were there, and we made it a point to meet them and talk "heart." Three more members of the group are parents we met while admitted, 2 of which were Evan's roommate at some point. These parents and heart kids are incredible, and although I no longer have much of a reason to be apart of their community, they still include me as I will always be a heart parent to my beautiful angel. I must mention too, that it meant everything to me that 2 of the members even came to Evan's funeral. There was no one else I wanted to sit with more after the service. And to me that shows just how strong they are, because what we went through on Feb 10 is always a fear in the back of their mind.
Children's hospital has also changed our lives. As two people who have never been admitted for any reason (other than having Evan), we were scared to death of what it would be like to live in a hospital for weeks at a time. Evan's surgeons are the most caring people we have ever met. They are determined, intelligent and the best of the best as far as we are concerned. They did everything for Evan, and they never brushed us off. The nurses and CICU doctors were the same way. We became so close to so many of them, and all of the intimidation disappeared. The whole experience taught us how to speak up when we need to (something that has never been easy for me), to never stop asking questions, and to never forget the babies, kids, parents and doctors/nurses that are in that unit everyday. Birthdays & holidays are spent in the hospital, and parents are praying and worrying 24/7. It takes amazing people to be good nurses and doctors, and we met the best there are.
Feb 10...obvioulsy this day changed our lives forever. The magnitude of the loss we suffered will never be brought down. Almost 11 months later, we still talk about Evan everyday. We wonder what he would look like, we wonder what heaven is like, and we are always sad that we will not see him again on earth. We rejoice in the fact that he no longer feels pain, and that there is no moment that goes by where he isn't smiling, happy and peaceful. But our selfish natures miss him, and always will. He will forever be our first child and big brother to his siblings to come. His life taught us so much...he taught us to trust God. He taught us to not take anything for granted, even the ability to eat! He taught us that there is power in prayer. He taught us how strong we actually are, and he taught us how to love better. He accomplished a lot in his 7 short months on earth. It's no wonder God rewarded him with heaven.
Our train trip. One month away from home. The train itself proved to be very healing, as we could pretty much do whatever we wanted to do without communicating with anyone if we so chose. Watching the scenes go from snowy trees in PA to green trees in TX was encouraging. Reflecting on Evan's life, journaling, watching his videos and reading books on grief were just the things we needed to do at that time. When we got home, we felt a push to be healthier. And we began to live a little bit better, although still with heavy hearts.
July 10, 2007. Evan's first birthday. It scared me a lot, not knowing how I would handle it. We spent months trying to find ways to celebrate his life in the way he would want us to, so we prepared care packages and food for the parents of the CICU. Walking back into the hospital was nerve-wracking. But it felt as though we were home. And we clearly felt Evan's presence with us. As tough as it was to celebrate his birthday without him physically here, we could not have been happier to help other people at the hospital. It will be an annual event for us from now on. Evan has really inspired us to do as much good as we can for others. Another miracle of this day was that an artist at Clarion University had finished the sketch above (which we turned into our Christmas cards). It was a birthday present from a friend who was inspired by Evan's life after he passed away. The artist didn't know when his birthday was, but sure enough it is dated July 10, 2007. We were sure that it was a clear picture of what Evan was doing at age one.
September 16, 2007. A positive pregnancy test. September 17, 2007. Another positive pregnancy test. September 18, 2007. Another positive pregnancy test. I guess it's really true! A happy and difficult fact to deal with all at the same time. Happy to be active parents again. Sad because I can't be an active parent to Evan.
September 29, 2007. The Heart Walk. Another happy day in a mostly somber year. Our team raised the most of any other Family & Friends Team and was the 3rd place team in all of Pittsburgh! I was so proud of everyone who made that possible. I never thought we would hit anywhere near the over $14,000 that we raised. And it was recognized by the American Heart Association directors. In fact, we will be more heavily involved in helping with the walk in the future because of our efforts. It was just incredible.
December. The whole month was hard. Reflecting back to 2006, Evan was only home for 12 days of that month. And his suffering during his last hospital stay was more than anyone should go through. We decided not to make any kind of a big deal about the holidays, and because we could do that, it helped us a lot. It really helped us to focus on the true meaning of Christmas instead of the commercial aspect of it. We only cared about God's love and the love of our family and friends. We thought of all of our blessings even through the hardest year of our life.
And December 27, 2007. One year ago Evan was baptized this day. On this day of this year we would find out if his sibling on the way would have a healthy heart. As most people were more anxious about finding out the gender, I only cared about the baby's health. When the ultrasound tech said everything looked good to her but baby wouldn't uncross the legs, I was not upset. I just wanted to know she looked healthy. And the fact that Evan's cardiologist was able to confirm the healthy heart AND tell us she was a girl made the day all that more special. I know he was happy to give us good news, since he was also the one to tell us about Evan's heart defect on Feb 21, 2006. We had good feelings that day, knowing that Evan was baptized a year ago. We also knew he would be there taking care of us and his baby sister. We even heard a patient number of 0710 (his birthday) in case we had any question of his presence! An exciting and relieving day all around.
We would not have made it through the year without our family and friends. Those of you who still talk about Evan with us mean the most, because he will always remain a huge part of our family. My best friend always tells me how Evan is such a super guardian angel to her little boy because he has had many close calls as a toddler who likes to get into everything! Every time she tells me that I smile. Because she is still including Evan in her life, and her son's. No, he may not ever be here to hold, hug, kiss or play with again. But he is carried by the ones who love him in their hearts forever. And we look forward to his sister coming and sharing his amazing life with her. God Bless you all! We love you very much!
