December...this is going to be a tough one this year.  In fact, it has only been two days and has already been difficult.  It's not even just the holidays, although they don't help matters.  Evan was home from Dec. 1-Dec. 6 last year, and we have quite a few pictures of him from those 6 days, including the one at the top of this entry.  In fact, that was Evan in his car seat getting ready to go to the cardiologist on Dec. 7.  He was admitted for 1 week, and we came home on oxygen for 6 days, sleeping in the living room since he was "attached" to an enormous oxygen tank.  We were to go back to Children's on December 20 for a "simple" G-Tube surgery, unrelated to his heart.  Who would have ever thought he wouldn't come home.

This difficult time is not just because Evan died and now isn't here for the holidays.  Although I do long to be buy presents for my would be 17 month old son at Christmastime.  It's because from Dec. 21 until Feb. 10, Evan didn't really have any good days.  He never smiled, he never laughed, and he was in pain.  While prepping him for surgery on the 20th last year, he smiled a lot and he even laughed for us.  He was happy...and we didn't see him like that again after that.  It's a very painful time of year to think about how much he suffered.  To think about what he endured.  Sometimes I get so mad at myself for letting him go through it all.  How could I continuously let the doctors poke him, prod him, challenge his breathing, put him under 6 times in six weeks for surgeries and heart catheterizations?  No wonder he didn't smile anymore.  No wonder he wasn't happy anymore.  It's just very hard to think back to this time last year, knowing what he went through.  And I miss him so much my heart literally hurts.

The holidays are a different component to all of this.  Christmas is so commercial now, and it just makes it that much harder.  The true meaning of Christmas seems to be lost from so many people's lives.  I would just as soon not celebrate at all, at least in the commercial way.  People are stressed because they have to buy gifts for everyone and there isn't enough money.  Since when did Christmas mean going into debt?  Wasn't the first gift of Christmas love?  Why can't it just be about that?  My baby boy was in the hospital last year, paralyzed and sedated...I am pretty sure he didn't care about the Thomas the Tank Engine book or the Baby Einstein DVD's he got for Christmas.  He cared about us being there next to him, loving him, talking to him, showing him that we would always be there for him.  He loved us for holding his hand and singing to him while he was "sleeping."  And we loved him with our whole hearts, never wanting to leave him for even a second. 

I miss my baby angel.  I always will.  He is in our hearts all of the time, but that doesn't take away the pain of waiting to see him again.  I try to think of how wonderful Christmas must be for him, to actually celebrate with Jesus himself.  I am happy that he doesn't have to suffer anymore and that he can smile and laugh everyday.  But sometimes the hard days win out on us here on earth...and this is definitely a difficult time of year.