This past weekend, we took a trip to Wilkes-Barre to be with my cousin Kevin as he celebrated his 29th birthday and prepared to begin a journey to Phoenix, Arizona, where he will be starting in a new position with Wachovia. We wish he and his wife Mickie the best, and we really had a great time seeing them and the whole family, even though we had such a short time to visit. Neither of us has been to Arizona, so we're certainly looking forward to our first trip out there, and hopefully a bit of a longer stay!
Just getting to Wilkes-Barre is a 4-hour trip from Kittanning, not to mention going both directions in 1 day! Needless to say, we had a lot of time to talk and reflect on where we are after these 2 1/2 months since Evan's passing. 2 things stand out from our conversations, the first being that we have really started to feel closer over the last couple weeks since we returned from our cross-country trip.
I know that on my part, there was a good bit of selfishness in how I grieved. Not that being alone with your thoughts isn't necessary at times, but I was enveloping myself in distractions. I wanted to support Amy completely, but I wasn't in the right state of mind to put the effort into it. The last 2 weeks have been different. We've made a conscious effort to do more things together, whether they involved crying or yardwork, and the dividends are obvious. I have expressed a lot of things that I didn't even know I had to get out, and Amy has certainly taken comfort in my presence with her. So I think we're headed in the right direction there. It's funny how you have to work to figure some things out that seem so obvious in hindsight!
The 2nd thing that stood out to us was a realization that as all of you turn the corner, some more gradually than others, many have no idea that we will never turn that corner with you. We'll never "get there" because we can't and we don't want to. The problem is that unless you're also a grieving parent, you cannot fathom the implications of that. Our reality is no longer the same as it was, and you must expect that when you encounter us.
We know that it is inevitable that we will need to rejoin the hustle and bustle of life again. We truly do want to talk and interact more with people, but when we are faced with people we haven't seen or talked to in a while, we fear the worst. For example, the question, "How are you doing?" You're not likely to get the answer you'd like, and you better be prepared to go from there. Another one is the "sad" face. We don't always feel like crying, and we know you don't feel the pain that we do, so go ahead and smile when you see us. It's OK! Finally, you know the subject on our minds is always Evan. Expect that we will talk about him, or speculate about his life with God, or what he might be doing if he were here now. You cannot possibly stir up bad feelings in us by mentioning anything about him, and yet many people are hesitant or completely avoid it. Our worst fear, just as any other grieving parent would tell you, is that the world will forget about our Evan. The only way to counteract that feeling is to talk about him. And thank God for digital photography and video. If you happen to be in our presence while we're looking at pictures or watching movies, we'd be honored if you sat down with us!
These are just some things to think about when you see us, to make you AND us more comfortable. If you want to know more, you can go to kidswithheart.org, click on the Bereavement tab, and scroll down to the Dos and Don'ts section. I know there are a lot of helpful tips there because I read them and have experienced most of them in the manner described, either good or bad.
Hope you're enjoying the website!
