Where does the time go?  Time is weird right now, in one sense I am in shock that it has already been almost 4 months since Evan died, and in another sense it seems like it’s ONLY been 4 months since Evan died.  I feel like the rest of my life is going to be a reference from that point.  I guess that’s because my life has forever changed since Feb 10.  It’s a new life.  A much harder life.  Everything that happened before Evan was born seems like it was 20 years ago.  And now we’re stuck not wanting it to be that far from the last time we saw Evan, yet also wishing time would move faster so we are that much closer to seeing him again.  Time is a tough thing to handle right now.  I imagine that struggle will continue for the rest of our lives.

We’re coming up on some hard times pretty soon.  Of course Evan’s birthday is next month, and I’m sure that will be a hard day.  One year old.  I’m sure he would look different from the last time I saw him.  I just wonder what the changes would be.  Would his hair be getting darker?  Would he be getting more hair?  Would he be picking his head up?  Would he be eating anything by mouth?  This is only one of the trillion reasons losing a child is so hard.  Even 50 years from now, we’ll be wondering what Evan would look like and what he would be doing.  July 15th last year was the first time I held Evan, July 16 was the best birthday I ever had because I could hold him for 3 hours.  July 31 was his first surgery, August 17 was the day he came home.  And I know I will think about all of these things throughout the summer.  And next summer, and the summer after that and the summer after that…

This year for his birthday we are going to bring cupcakes to the CICU, and maybe some care packages for the parents who are there.  Since it’s his first birthday, we don’t want to go too overboard with a meal since we don’t know for sure how hard it will be.  I know going back will be hard, but we feel like it’s a necessary step.  Plus, we do love the staff of the CICU and want to give back in any way we can.  I can’t think of a better way to honor Evan on his birthday than to visit him at Trinity and give back to the hospital even if it’s in a small way.  And since we so abruptly left on Feb 10, there are many people there we didn’t get to say goodbye to.

On a different note, this spring has been absolutely beautiful, and I thank God for that.  The warm weather and the bright sun have helped us tremendously.  1 out of 6 of my spinach plants are coming up, and I’m not sure what happened to the other 5, but for a first attempt, I am glad anything came up!  We planted some flower seeds earlier in the spring, and we are beginning to see some come up...whether they are the actual flowers or just weeds, I’m not quite sure at this point, but I am hopeful we’ll get something!  It’s definitely a learning process.  The butterfly bush we planted after Mother’s Day is growing nicely.  The Bleeding Heart I planted was accidentally dug up by Greg, but I don’t think it was in good shape anyway…I’ll be getting another one soon.  And the night skies have been so clear this spring, and we look for Evan’s star often.  Thank you God for these beautiful days and nights!!! 

Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HEETER!