Well, it's been awhile once again.  December is here and it has already been hard in some ways.  The dates of Evan's hospital stays still stick in my mind, and when December 7th rolled around I remembered us being admitted to the hospital 2 years ago.  In 9 short days Cara will turn 7 months old.  And one day after that is the anniversary of the last day I saw Evan smile. 

We are now amidst the second holiday season since Evan died.  Last year we wanted Christmas to disappear.  At least "commercial Christmas."  This year I am still not really in the holiday spirit, but I can handle things better.  I know I need to get out of here for awhile, and our small family will be heading to San Antonio to visit Jon and Alicia for that change of scenery.

Holiday spirit just doesn't seem to exist for me anymore.  I have yet to play any Christmas music or pay attention to it in the stores.  The music used to be such a huge part of the holidays for me, but now there are a lot of songs that would just bring on the tears, like "I'll Be Home For Christmas (if only in my dreams)."  Too hard.

I guess I'll just try to focus on celebrating with Cara on her first Christmas.  It's hard not to focus on who is missing, but it's not fair to Cara for me to put my energy into the negative.  I am and have always been a fairly positive person, and I'll do my best to stay that way for her.  After all, the holidays are about the kids, right?  But my heart will be missing my son at the same time. 

This Sunday the worldwide candle lighting ceremony is taking place for all children who have gone to heaven.  The three of us will be heading to Clarion to participate.  We didn't go last year.  I think it was too hard.  This year I want to go.  I want to talk with other parents like us.  Almost 2 years have gone by since that awful day, and my heart still has that huge hole.  I miss Evan.  Plain and simple.

I love both of my kids.  With my whole heart.  And I'll be holding Cara tighter and tighter through the next couple of months. 

Many hugs and kisses to heaven - love you baby boy.