Today Cara is 5 months and 10 days old.  If she were Evan, it would be the last day I saw her smile, laugh, play and be herself.  The next 52 days I would only see pain and suffering.  It just goes to show once again how fast time goes by, and how little time we got with our son.

Grief is hard with an infant.  There are tons of distractions which on some level is a relief, especially since Cara brings us so much joy.  My heart warms up when she smiles and reaches new milestones.  I treasure every second with her...even the difficult seconds.  I love being an active parent again.  Yet all of the sudden I am finding that missing piece of my heart aching more.  You see, distractions are just that...distractions.  They don't make other feelings go away, they don't make the hard realities go away...they just focus your attention on the task at hand for a moment.  And I find that I am missing Evan more now since I don't have the time to think about him, talk to him, or write to him.  The littlest things, like one line of a song, can bring on the tears.  But then I must wipe those tears away within a few seconds to tend to my daughther. 

It's going to be a hard winter.  The summer and fall remind me of Evan's life, but the winter only reminds me of the pain and suffering.  I am so thankful for my healthy and happy daughter.  I do look forward to her first Christmas at home (well, maybe in TX) and not at Children's Hospital.  I hold her tighter and tighter as the colder weather approaches and thank God for every moment I had with Evan and every moment I have with her.  They are the two best kids in the world...my favoite boy and my favorite girl.