Children are not supposed to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately,
parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life
cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most
vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams,
of new strength, and of perfection. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, iv, 9, 39
When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future. - Anonymous
This space is with me all the time it seems. Sometimes the empty space is so real I can almost touch it. I
can almost see it. It gets so big sometimes that I can't see anything else. - Arnold and Gemma 1983, 56
A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child
who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's
how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976, 154
Parental Grief
The theme of parental mourning has been a universal one throughout the centuries. In the literature on
bereavement, writers repeat certain themes, thoughts, and reflections; they talk of the powerful and
often conflicting emotions involved in "the pain of grief and the spiral of mourning; [they refer to] the
heartbreak at the heart of things...grief's contradictions"; they speak of parents devastated by grief
(Moffat 1992, xxiii).
It is frequently said that the grief of bereaved parents is the most intense grief known. When a child
dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away.
Bereaved parents indeed do feel that the death of their child is "the ultimate deprivation" (Arnold and
Gemma 1994, 40). The grief caused by their child's death is not only painful but profoundly disorienting-
children are not supposed to die. These parents are forced to confront an extremely painful and
stressful paradox; they are faced with a situation in which they must deal both with the grief caused by
their child's death and with their inherent need to continue to live their own lives as fully as possible.
Thus, bereaved parents must deal with the contradictory burden of wanting to be free of this
overwhelming pain and yet needing it as a reminder of the child who died.
Bereaved parents continue to be parents of the child who died. They will always feel the empty place in
their hearts caused by the child's death; they were, and always will be, the loving father and mother of
that child. Yet, these parents have to accept that they will never be able to live their lives with or share
their love openly with the child. So they must find ways to hold on to the memories. Many bereaved
parents come to learn that "memories are the precious gifts of the heart...[that they need] these
memories and whispers, to help create a sense of inner peace, a closeness" (Wisconsin Perspectives
Newsletter, Spring 1989, 1).
Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of [a] parent's being...When a baby dies, parents
grieve for the rest of their lives. Their grief becomes part of them...As time passes, parents come to
appreciate that grief is [their] link to the child, [their] grief keeps [them] connected to the child. -
ARNOLD AND GEMMA, IN CORR ET AL. 1996, 50-51
Sociologists and psychologists describe parental grief as complex and multilayered and agree that the
death of a child is an incredibly traumatic event leaving parents with overwhelming emotional needs.
They also agree that this grief must be acknowledged and felt in its intensity. These experts repeatedly
state that dealing with parental grief involves deep pain and ongoing work as the parents attempt to
continue their "journey down the lonely road of grief" (Wisconsin Perspectives Newsletter, February
1997, 1).
Grieving parents say that their grief is a lifelong process, a long and painful process..."a process in
which [they] try to take and keep some meaning from the loss and life without the [child]" (Arnold and
Gemma 1983, 57). After a child's death, parents embark on a long, sad journey that can be very
frightening and extremely lonely- a journey that never really ends. The hope and desire that healing will
come eventually is an intense and persistent one for grieving parents.
The child who died is considered a gift to the parents and family, and they are forced to give up that
gift. Yet, as parents, they also strive to let their child's life, no matter how short, be seen as a gift to
others. These parents seek to find ways to continue to love, honor, and value the lives of their children
and continue to make the child's presence known and felt in the lives of family and friends. Bereaved
parents often try to live their lives more fully and generously because of this painful experience.
To those outside the family, the composition of the family may seem to change when a child dies. A
sibling may become an only child; a younger child may become the oldest or the only child; the middle
child may no longer have that title; or the parents may never be able to, or perhaps may choose not to,
have another child. Nonetheless, the birth order of the child who died is fixed permanently in the minds
and hearts of the parents. Nothing can change the fact that this child is considered a part of the family
forever, and the void in the family constellation created by the child's death also remains forever.
In a newsletter for bereaved parents, one mother wrote, "It feels like a branch from our family tree has
been torn off." Another grieving mother continues, "I felt that way too. A small branch, one whose
presence completed us, had been ripped from our family and left a large wound. Without it, we were
lopsided and off balance. When subsequent children are born, [they] do not replace the fallen branch,
but create a new limb all their own" (Wisconsin Perspectives Newsletter, December 1996, 1).
Common And Individual Characteristics Of Parental Grief
Death is an experience that is common to all mankind, an experience that touches all members of the
human family. Death transcends all cultures and beliefs; there is both commonality and individuality in
the grief experience. When a loved one dies, each person reacts differently. A child's death, however,
is such a wrenching event that all affected by it express sadness and dismay and are painfully shaken.
Such a devastating loss exacts an emotional as well as a physical toll on the parents and family.
Bereavement specialists point to the commonalities of parental grief that may include an overwhelming
sense of its magnitude, a sense that the pain will last forever, a sense that the grief is etched into one's
very being. They explain that it is also important for these parents to express their anger outwardly so
that it will not turn inward and possibly become a destructive force in the future. These specialists say
that although there are many commonalities in parental grief, individual reactions often vary and that
the same person may even experience contradictory reactions. They also say that the two responses
experienced most commonly by bereaved parents are a baffling sense of disorientation and a deep
conviction that they must never let go of the grief.
But there are also many unique ways that bereaved parents express their grief. These individual
parental responses are influenced by many factors including the person's life experiences, coping
skills, personality, age, gender, family and cultural background, support and/or belief systems, and
even the death or the type of death that occurred.
Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of the parent's being...The range of expression of
parental grief is wide...Some parents will express tears and hysteria openly. Others will silence these
expressions and grieve inwardly...Despite the volumes of work on grief, the experience of grief seems
to defy description... Definitions touch the fringes of grief but do not embrace its totality or reach its
core...Grief is a complicated, evolving human process. Grief is a binding experience; its universality
binds sufferers together. More is shared than is different. - ARNOLD AND GEMMA, IN CORR ET AL.
1991, 50-52, 55
As part of the grieving process, bereaved parents experience ups and downs and a literal roller coaster
of emotions. For these parents, a personal history includes a past with the child and a present and
future without the child. For most grieving parents, it is vitally important to verbalize the pain, to talk
about what happened, to ask questions, and puzzle aloud, sometimes over and over.
It is the nature of grief that feelings, thoughts, and emotions need to be processed and that those in
grief must look into their hearts and souls and try to heal from within. Each does this in his/her own way.
"Grieving parents are survivors" (Rando 1986, 176), and each survivor travels this lonely and painful
road in a way each maps out. In traveling this road, parents often respond differently, learn to live with
their grief separately, and express their sadness uniquely. Grieving parents can and often do feel
alone, disconnected, and alienated. They need to know that there are many ways to grieve; there is no
timetable for grief's duration; there are no rules, boundaries, or protocols for grieving.
Moreover, those who seek to comfort grieving parents need to recognize and understand the
complexities of the parents' emotions and should avoid relying on preconceived ideas about the way a
couple is supposed to grieve if their child dies. Reactions of grieving parents may seem overly intense,
self-absorbing, contradictory, or even puzzling. For bereaved parents, the death of a child is such an
overwhelming event that their responses may often be baffling not only to others but to themselves as
well.
The sorrow for the dead is the only sorrow from which we refuse to be divorced. Every other wound we
seek to heal, every other affliction to forget; but this wound we consider it a duty to keep open; this
affliction we cherish and brood over in solitude. - WASHINGTON IRVING, THE SKETCH BOOK , IN
MOFFAT 1992, 270
Fathers - The Forgotten Grievers
The death of a child is probably the most traumatic and devastating experience a couple can face.
Although both mothers and fathers grieve deeply when such a tragedy occurs, they grieve differently,
and it is most important that each partner give the other permission to grieve as he/she needs. This
may be the greatest gift each can give the other.
Parental grief is strongly influenced by the nature of the bond between child and parent. Bereavement
specialists actually speak of "incongruent grieving" patterns in mothers and fathers and of differences
in the timing and intensity of the parental bond for mothers and fathers.
For the mother, the bond is usually more immediate and demonstrable, more intense at the beginning
of life, more emotionally and physically intimate. The mother's bond with the baby is usually tightly
forged from the moment of conception and continues through the pregnancy, the birth, and the nursing
process. The maternal bond involves the present and the baby's immediate needs, while the father's
bond with the baby more often concerns the future and dreams and expectations for the child. Today,
however, many fathers are forging earlier and more intense prenatal bonds with their babies. Fathers
also are often present in the delivery room for the birth. Some fathers become direct caregivers of the
newborn, developing early and close bonds with their infants. Yet, still in many cases, "the father's
emotional investment in parenting tends to occur later and less intensely than the mother's. This has
implications for the way parents grieve" (Cordell and Thomas 1990, 75).
When is it my turn to cry? I'm not sure society or my upbringing will allow me a time to really cry,
unafraid of the reaction and repercussion that might follow. I must be strong, I must support my wife
because I am a man. I must be the cornerstone of our family because society says so, my family says
so, and, until I can reverse my learned nature, I say so. - A FATHER, IN DEFRAIN ET AL. 1991, 112
In spite of the trend towards earlier bonding between fathers and babies, the influence of cultural
expectations about men and grief persists and is powerful. Typically, the societal view of parental loss
is not the same for the father as the mother. Most of the literature on parental bereavement still tends
to focus on the mother's grief. Often, men are not acknowledged as experiencing grief; or more
importantly, men are not taught that it's necessary to grieve and are discouraged from demonstrating
signs of grief openly. Bereaved fathers frequently feel that they are the forgotten mourners and are
often referred to as "second class grievers" (Horchler and Morris 1994, 72).
Fathers are expected to be strong for their partners, to be the "rock" in the family. All too often fathers
are considered to be the ones who should attend to the practical but not the emotional aspects
surrounding the death; they are expected to be the ones who should not let emotions show or tears fall
outwardly, the ones who will not and should not fall apart. Men are often asked how their wives are
doing, but not asked how they are doing.
Such expectations place an unmanageable burden on men and deprive them of their rightful and
urgent need to grieve. This need will surface eventually if it is not expressed. It is not unusual for
grieving fathers to feel overwhelmed, ignored, isolated, and abandoned as they try to continue to be
caregivers and breadwinners for their families while their hearts are breaking. "Fathers' feelings [often]
stay hidden under layers of responsibility and grim determination" (Staudacher 1991, 124). Bereaved
fathers often say that such strong emotions are very difficult to contain after their child's death. Fathers
often fear that they will erupt like volcanoes if they allow themselves to release these feelings and so,
too often, fathers try to bury their pain with the child who died.
It is most important that a father's grief be verbalized and understood by his partner, other family
members, professionals, coworkers, friends, and by anyone who will listen. Fathers need to try to free
themselves of stereotypes and societal expectations about men and grief; they must be able to tell
others that their grief is all they have from their child's brief life. Fathers repeatedly say that for their
own peace of mind, they (and those who care about them) need to move away from this mind set and
allow them to grieve as they are entitled.
In too many instances, fathers' responses to infant loss tend to coincide with how they believe they
should act as men, rather than how they need to act to confront and resolve [their own] grief. -
CORDELL AND THOMAS 1990, 75
From One Grieving Parent To Another
You will always grieve to some extent for your lost child. You will always remember your baby and wish
beyond wishes that you could smell her smell or hold his weight in your arms. But as time goes on, this
wishing will no longer deplete you of the will to live your own life. - HORCHLER AND MORRIS 1994, 158
* Parental grief is overwhelming; there is nothing that can prepare a parent for its enormity or
devastation; parental grief never ends but only changes in intensity and manner of expression;
parental grief affects the head, the heart, and the spirit.
* For parents, the death of a child means coming to terms with untold emptiness and deep emotional
hurt. Immediately after the death, some parents may even find it impossible to express grief at all as
many experience a period of shock and numbness.
* All newly bereaved parents must find ways to get through, not over, their grief-to go on with their
lives. Each is forced to continue life's journey in an individual manner.
* Parental bereavement often brings with it a sense of despair, a sense that life is not worth living, a
sense of disarray and of utter and complete confusion. At times, the parent's pain may seem so severe
and his/her energy and desire to live so lacking that there is uncertainty about survival. Some
bereaved parents feel that it is not right for them to live when their child has died. Others feel that they
have failed at parenting and somehow they should have found a way to keep the child from dying.
* Grieving parents often have to adopt what one parent called a "new world view" (Wisconsin
Perspectives Newsletter, December 1996, 7). Each parent must almost become a new and different
person.
* Grieving parents should learn to be compassionate, gentle, and patient with themselves and each
other. Grief is an emotionally devastating experience; grief is work and demands much patience,
understanding, effort, and energy.
* Parental grief can and often does involve a vast array of conflicting emotions and responses
including shock and numbness, intense sadness and pain, depression, and often feelings of total
confusion and disorganization. Sometimes, parents may not even seem sure of who they are and may
feel as if they have lost an integral part of their very being. At other times, parents may feel that what
happened was a myth or an illusion or that they were having a nightmare.
* Typical parental reactions to a child's death often involve emotional and physical symptoms such as
inability to sleep or a desire to sleep all the time, mood swings, exhaustion, extreme anxiety,
headaches, or inability to concentrate. Grieving parents experience emotional and physical peaks and
valleys. They may think life finally seems on an even keel and that they are learning to cope when
periods of intense sadness overwhelm them, perhaps with even more force. (Experiencing any or all of
these reactions does not mean permanent loss of control or inability to recover and are usually part of
the grief process.)
* The death of a child can and often does affect not only personal health but sometimes the
marriage, the entire family unit, other relationships, and even plans and goals for the future.
* Grieving parents need to know how important it is to express their pain to someone who will
understand and acknowledge what they are feeling and saying. They should be honest with themselves
and others about how they feel. These parents should allow themselves to cry, be angry, and complain.
They need to admit they are overwhelmed, distracted, and unable to focus or concentrate. They may
even need to admit to themselves and others that they might show physical and/or emotional symptoms
that they don't want or can't even understand.
When are you ready to live again? There is no list of events or anniversaries to check off. In fact, you
are likely to begin living again before you realize you are doing it. You may catch yourself laughing.
You may pick up a book for recreational reading again. You may start playing lighter, happier music.
When you do make these steps toward living again, you are likely to feel guilty at first. 'What right have
I, you may ask yourself, to be happy when my child is dead?' And yet something inside feels as though
you are being nudged in this positive direction. You may even have the sense that this nudge is from
your child, or at least a feeling that your child approves of it. - HORCHLER AND MORRIS 1994, 158
* Each bereaved parent must be allowed to mourn in his/her own way and time frame. Each person's
grief is unique, even that of family members facing the same loss. Bereaved parents shouldn't expect
or try to follow a specific or prescribed pattern for grief or worry if they seem out of synchrony with their
partner or other grieving parents.
* Bereaved parents need to know that others may minimize or misunderstand their grief. Many don't
understand the power, depth, intensity, or duration of parental grief, especially after the death of a very
young child. In some instances, bereaved parents are even ignored because some individuals are not
able to deal with the tragedy. They find the thought of a child's death too hard, too Inexplicable, or too
threatening. Many simply don't know what to say or do and so don't say or do anything.
* Most grieving parents experience great pain and distress deciding what to do with their child's
belongings. Parents need to under-stand that this task will be most difficult and that different parents
make different decisions. They should be encouraged to hold onto any experiences, memories, or
mementos they have of the child and find ways to keep and treasure them. These memories and
mementos-their legacy from the short time they shared with this very special person- will be affirming
and restorative in the future.
* Most grieving parents also experience considerable pain on special occasions, such as birthdays,
holidays, or the anniversary of the child's death. Parents will need to find ways to cope with these
events and should do what feels right for them, not what others think they should do.
* Many bereaved parents find solace in their religion. Not only will these religious beliefs significantly
alter the meaning that the parents give to life, death, and life after death, they will also affect their grief
response. Grieving parents with a religious background should be encouraged to express these beliefs
if this is helpful. Some grieving parents without a formal or organized religious background may
maintain a spirituality or a personal faith that is also a part of their lives and that gives them comfort.
They, too, should be encouraged to express these feelings. Seeking spiritual comfort in a time of grief
does not mean repressing the grief. (It is important, however, that others offering support to grieving
parents should not try to dismiss or diminish their grief by using religious or other platitudes or by
forcing religion on parents who are uncomfortable with a particular belief system.)
Bereaved parents will recover and reach a place of rest and hope... [They] will never forget [their
child], but rather will find ways to keep [the child] a cherished part of [their] inner selves forever. -
HORCHLER AND MORRIS 1994, XIX
* Many grieving parents also find comfort in rituals. Funerals or memorial services have served many
parents as beautiful and meaningful ways of saying goodbye, providing a sense of closure after the
child's death. For others, sending announcement cards about the baby's death, writing poems, keeping
journals or writing down personal reflections or prayers, or volunteering with a parental bereavement
group become ways to remember and honor the child who died.
* Grief is the natural response to any loss. Parents need to be reminded how important it is to
process all feelings, thoughts, and emotions in resolving grief. Bereaved parents must look within and
be prepared to deal with the past and present. They need to talk about their loss, and the loss must be
acknowledged by others. They need to tell others about what happened to their child; they need to talk
out and through their thoughts and feelings from the heart, not just from the head. Healing for
bereaved parents can begin to occur by acknowledging and sharing their grief.
* Probably the most important step for parents in their grief journey is to allow themselves to heal.
Parents need to come to understand that healing doesn't mean forgetting. They need to be good to
themselves and absolve themselves from guilt. They should not be afraid to let grief loosen its grip on
them when the time comes. Easing away from intense grief may sometimes cause pain, fear, and guilt
for a while, but eventually, it usually allows parents to come to a new and more peaceful place in their
journey. Allowing grief's place to become a lesser one does not mean abandoning the child who died.
In the end parents must heal themselves. It was their baby; it is their loss; it is their grief. They need
to gain closure, to experience release, to look to their new future. - NICHOLS, IN RANDO 1986, 156
Some Thoughts From Grieving Parents
* Bereaved parents face a devastating and difficult journey; expressing grief is the normal response
to such a loss; unexpressed grief can be devastating and debilitating.
* An intense parental attachment has been formed between parent and child no matter how young
the child is at the time of death. Others need to try and understand the intensity of this attachment, the
depth of the parents' grief, and the magnitude of their sorrow.
* Grief is exhausting and demanding work. Grief is also a process, not a single timed event. Bereaved
parents appear to exhibit different reactions at varying points in their grief and to grieve differently even
when they belong to the same family.
* There are no easy ways to deal with grief, there is no one correct way to grieve, and no set time
frame for grieving parents.
* Caregivers need to know there are no exact or right words or expressions when comforting grieving
parents. Neither should caregivers try to take away the parents' grief. Most of all, they should try to
speak from the heart and show their care and concern. Sometimes it may seem that they say the wrong
thing. The caregiver should try again, using different words, or admit confusion about what to say. The
pain must be walked through by the bereaved parent and also by those who seek to help them.
There is a need to talk, without trying to give reasons. No reason is going to be acceptable when you
hurt so much. A hug, the touch of a hand, expressions of concern, a willing listener were and still are
the things that have helped the most...The people who [were] the greatest help... [were] not
judgmental. It's most helpful when people understand that [what is needed] is to talk about it and that
this is part of the grief process. - DEFRAIN ET AL. 1991, 158, 163
* Bereaved parents need to find ways to keep the memories alive and also find ways to create
memories. Memories are all they have left from the child who died. Bereaved parents often need to
establish unique rituals to memorialize the child and in some cases, others may find this process
puzzling.
* Grieving parents need to be allowed to set the tone and direct others about how to help them in
their grief. Parents need validation as they attempt the process of healing.
* Friends and caregivers should try to help grieving parents express their grief. They should try to be
a safe place for them-a place where they can be themselves, where they can be confused, where they
can express their pain, sadness, and even anger. Those who care should grieve and mourn with the
parents; they must also be willing to listen.
* In most cases, bereaved parents don't want to be avoided, but they may be hesitant to let others
know they are needed. Usually, they are most grateful for the kind expressions and gestures of love
and support.
* Bereaved parents need to know that the support of family, friends, and others will continue after the
commotion and busy days immediately following the death and funeral. Their grief continues forever.
One bereaved father said, "the period following the funeral is perhaps the most difficult time for the
bereaved...[This is the time that parents must] absorb the magnitude of their loss and begin to
integrate it into the rest of their lives" (Bramblett 1991, 39). Bereaved parents need to have extended
remembrances of their child for a long while after the event, especially on anniversaries, birthdays,
holidays, or special events, such as Mother's Day or Father's Day.
* Bereaved parents need to know that their child will be remembered, not just by them but also by
family and friends. They need to have the child acknowledged and referred to by name. They want that
child's life to matter. They do not want to forget and they don't want others to forget. One bereaved
parent said, "The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it also brings music to my
ears" (Anonymous).
Grieving keeps memories alive for bereaved parents and retains a place in their families and in their
hearts for the dead child...[it is] a continuous process with peaks, valleys, and plateaus; it is a complex
process that varies with each individual. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, 1994, 28
When trying to comfort grieving parents
DO:
* Acknowledge the child's death by telling the parents of your sadness for them and by expressing
love and support; try to provide comfort.
* Visit and talk with the family about the child who died; ask to see pictures or mementoes the family
may have.
* Extend gestures of concern such as bringing flowers or writing a personal note expressing your
feelings; let the parents know of your sadness for them.
* Attend the child's funeral or memorial service.
* Remember anniversaries and special days.
* Donate to some specific memorial in honor of the child. Offer to go with the parent(s) to the
cemetery in the days and weeks after the funeral, or find other special ways to extend personal and
sensitive gestures of concern.
* Make practical and specific suggestions, such as offering to stop by at a convenient time, bringing a
meal, purchasing a comforting book, offering to take the other children for a special outing, or treating
the mother or father to something special.
* Respect the dynamics of each person's grief. The often-visible expressions of pain and confusion
shown by grieving parents are normal. Grief is an ongoing and demanding process.
DO NOT:
* Avoid the parents or the grief. Refrain from talking about the child who died or referring to the child
by name.
* Impose your views or feelings on the parents or set limits for them about what is right or appropriate
behavior.
* Wait for the parents to ask for help or tell you what they need.
* Tell them you know just how they feel.
* Be afraid to let the parents cry or to cry with them.
How Grieving Parents Attempt To Cope With The Loss And Move On
Bereaved fathers and mothers try to cope with their grief by:
* Admitting to themselves and others that their grief is overwhelming, unpredictable, painful, draining,
and exhausting-that their grief should not be diminished or ignored.
* Allowing themselves to be angry and acknowledging that they are vulnerable, helpless, and feeling
disoriented.
* Trying to understand that to grieve is to heal and that integrating grief into their lives is a necessity.
* Acknowledging the need and desire to talk about the child who died as well as the moments and
events that will be missed and never experienced with the child.
* Maintaining a belief in the significance of their child's life, no matter how short.
* Creating memorial services and other rituals as ways to commemorate the child's life.
* Deriving support from religious beliefs, a sense of spirituality, or a personal faith.
* Expressing feelings in journals, poetry, prayers, or other reflective writings or in art, music, or other
creative activities.
* Trying to be patient and forgiving with themselves and others and refraining from making hasty
decisions.
When you accept what has happened, you aren't acknowledging that it is okay but rather, that you
know you must find a way to keep growing and living-even if you don't feel like it...[Don't let] grief be
your constant companion...Realize that your grief is born out of unconditional love for your child and
rejoice in that love which will never end... Embracing life again is not a sign that you have stopped
missing your baby, but an example of a love that is eternal. - WISCONSIN PERSPECTIVES
NEWSLETTER, SPRING 1989, 3
* Counting on, confiding in, and trusting those who care, listen, and hear, those who will walk with
them, and not be critical of them, those who will try to understand their emotional and physical
limitations.
* Increasing their physical activity and maintaining a healthful diet.
* Volunteering their services to organizations concerned with support for bereaved parents.
* Obtaining help from traditional support systems, such as family, friends, professionals or church
groups, undergoing professional counseling, joining a parent support group, or acquiring information
on the type of death that occurred as well as about their own grief.**
* Reassuring themselves and others that they were and still are loving parents.
* Letting go of fear and guilt when the time seems right and the grief seems less.
* Accepting that they are allowed to feel pleasure and continue their lives, knowing their love for their
child transcends death.
** Grief support groups are often available through area hospitals, churches, or local chapters of
national organizations, such as State SIDS or SIDS Alliance programs or through support organizations,
such as SHARE, Resolve Thru Sharing, Compassionate Friends, and others.
When children die, the bond doesn't break... [But] the parents face two mutually exclusive facts. The
child is gone and not coming back, and the bond is...as powerful a bonding as people have in their
abilities... [Bereaved parents attempt] to let go, not of the child, but of the pain. - FINKBEINER 1996,
244, 249
Conclusion
Children are valuable and precious symbols of what lies ahead. Children are considered the hope of
the future. When a child dies, that hope is lost.
Two universals stand out when reflecting on parental grief-a child's death is disorienting, and letting go
of a child is impossible. Parents never forget a child who dies. The bond they formed with their child
extends beyond death. As survivors, bereaved parents try to adapt to the new existence forced on
them. They try to pass on to others the love and other special gifts they received from their child; they
try to make the child who died a part of their lives forever; they constantly try to "honor the child who
should have lived" (Finkbeiner 1996, xiv). Bereaved parents encourage others who care for and about
them to do the same. They ask others to help them, to be for them "a lifeline of support, a lifeline to
survival [and to understand]...the crying of their souls" (Donnelly 1982, ix).
Bereaved parents say, "Our children are in our blood; the bond with them doesn't seem to break [and
they attempt to] find subtle and apparently unconscious ways of preserving that bond" (Finkbeiner
1996, xiii, xiv). Bereaved parents need to do this to deal with what seems like an endless roadblock of
loss and sadness. One bereaved parent expressed it by saying that the wound heals, but the scar
remains forever.
What has happened to these parents has changed their lives; they will never see life the same way;
they will never be the same people. As they attempt to move forward, bereaved parents realize they are
survivors and have been strong enough to endure what is probably life's harshest blow. By addressing
their grief and coping with it, they struggle to continue this journey while making this devastating loss
part of their own personal history, a part of their life's story, a part of their very being.
Bereaved parents learn to live with the memories, the lost hopes, the shattered dreams. [They] never
'get over' the death, but [they] do recover, adjust and learn to live with [the] pain. - DONNELLY 1982, X
In writing about bereavement, Rollo May, the religious psychologist said that the only way out is ahead
and the choice is whether to cringe from it or to affirm it. To be able to continue this lifetime journey and
to make it manageable and productive, bereaved parents must move ahead and affirm this loss while
also affirming their own lives.
Eventually, time will cease to stand still for these parents. Painful and terrible moments will still occur-
striking, poignant, but in some ways comforting, reminders of the child who died. There will also be
regrets for experiences that were never shared. But at some unknown and even unexpected point,
these parents will come to realize that there can be good moments, even happy and beautiful moments,
and it will not seem impossible or wrong to smile or laugh, but it will seem right and beautiful and a
fitting way to honor and remember the child who died. One day, bereaved parents may come to be
"surprised by joy" (Moffat 1992, xxvii).
But in time... nature takes care of it; the waves of pain lose intensity a little and come less frequently.
Then friends and relatives say the parents are getting over it, and that time heals all wounds. The
parents themselves say that as the pain lessens, they begin to have energy for people and things
outside themselves...This is a decision parents say [they] must make to live as well as they can in [their]
new world... They can come to be happy, but never as happy. Their perspective on this and everything
has changed. Their child's death is the reason for this and is a measure of the depth and breadth of
the bond between parent and child. - FINKBEINER 1996,12, 20, 22, 23
Losing a Child - A Lifetime Journey